I stuck to my commitments and finished my tax, did my University submission and did 1 hour of exercise - albeit not exactly exerting myself.
While exercising I watched the West Wing (ep. 1 of Series 2) and I am still very emotional. I look at these fine people and I think of the bunch of dead beats I have surrounded myself with throughout my career. I wonder why I set my standards so low in this respect. They have been uneducated, lazy, dishonourable liars in the main.
I need to watch my thinking more. Just look at that last sentence!
I am really going to try to:
- Trust and have faith in the reality of God - as a supreme, infinite entity (and not as a made-up tool to help positive thinking), AND
- Watch my thinking very, very rigorously.
Again, positive thinking is not some mystical power. Only God is. My positive thinking is simply like mental fitness. Unless I am fit and healthy in my mind, I cannot function properly.
But I guess my approach has been this: God will pull me out of my spiral - when in fact, I never really believed this.
God
I can see that every time I finished my meditation - I always asked myself "do I feel stronger, better, clearer - do I feel like God is there?". And every time I would have to answer "no". I was so desperate to grab hold of God that I became disconsolate (depressed, despairing) every time I answered "no".
I thought it was reasonable to assess your faith by how you feel. God promises peace. I don't have it - does this mean God either a) doesn't exist or b) I am lacking in some way.
I keep coming back to "according to your faith will you receive". I have been looking to a positive concept - not God - for my peace. And maybe when this penny finally drops that it is GOD the reality that will help me - and not anything else - that I may know peace.
But as Grantley Morris says - our feelings in relation to something are not good indicators. But how about our life? If our life is a shambles - can we say God is in control? If he isn't in control - then its a pretty ordinary concept of God i.e. God is waiting around for your belief to reach a certain tipping point before he lends a hand.
God wants us to know him - to have a relationship with him. If we think he is just a good concept - then we will get as much help from him as that allows. Probably the same help we would get praying to Harry Potter for a magic trick....Not much.
So today - I make my commitments:
Bad stuff: I was very quiet at dinner with the family. I woke at 3.30am this morning and was in a bad state. Sweating. Dwelling on bad outcomes. I feel sorry for my wife!
God
- To keep away from the insulting notion that God is just a positive concept
- To focus on God as a real entity - all powerful. Infinite
- To start to fly by my instruments (God's word and God's reality) and not my feelings.
Positive
I had a great concept for some reason of me and the family at the Hotel Bel Air for christmas. We all had our own rooms. We were at dinner and I was happy and not faking it. It was a terrific image.
I will really try to think positively and keep the cob webs of negative thinking away.
I will affirm that "I am on my way".
I will be unemotional about my business. Emotions in business are a disaster.
Work
- I will get my tax affairs to the accountant
- I will complete my University submission
- I will respond to the builder
- I will get R to pay the accountant
- I will make a good start cleaning up my office.
- Exercise: I will exercise for 1hr
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