OK 

Today is my first day of running this blog.
I feel somewhat hopeful that it may help - but then I have tried a million methods to break me from this despair.

I feel like a parachutist plunging towards the earth and trying everything (spiritual) to save me.

Last week I broke down in front of my older brother and his partner.
I hadn't seen him for 5 or 6 years.

What got me was this: I developed a property around a tenant's requirements. The tenant vacated after 6-months - without paying rent. The zoning of the property severely restricted our leasing options. I secured a new tenant - but they had trouble with the zoning. Happily though the government was changing the rules and it all looked good. Waiting. Waiting and then the new rules came in. But what's this? A small condition that required something else. Finally, after 3 years - the tenant had had enough and pulled the pin. The other tenants I was lining up were conditional on this tenant - so everything imploded.

The bank has been patient - but getting increasingly impatient.

My 50% partner in the project has failed in every way possible - to a point where I cannot stand the sight of him. I hate everything about him.

I have a meeting with the Bank's accountant (handling this problem file) on Friday - which I am dreading. What do I say? I am staring at bankruptcy.

Today

Last night I concluded that my concept of God is little more than positive thinking.
Do I believe in God's words as being true IN THE WORLD. Or do I want to believe them because they are just happy, positive thoughts.

According to our faith in God do we receive. 

If I believe God is simply a mental tool to help me overcome and be victorious in life - then I am consigning God to being nothing more than an Anthony Robbins. And on this basis - God will deal with me, My concept of God is just dismal. 

If I say "Christ is my strength" then I need to understand that CHRIST IS MY STRENGTH in the world and this is NOT about positive thinking. So its the reality of God in my life - that I am depending on - not my thoughts. I have been down this track countless times but usually end my mediation with: how do I feel? In other words - I am looking at these words to make me feel better - when I should be asking "with Christ as my strength - is there anything I cannot do?"

BUT

I think thoughts may be critical, too. I have become severely negative and downcast. Could it be that these thoughts have played their role in my demise? Yes! But I do not believe that there is a mystical element here. Thinking positively and inspiring thoughts is like eating healthy food. It protects you and helps you BUT it is not a guarantee. Saying that thoughts guarantee an outcome is just wrong. Did all the people in the WTC fail to think positively? Its rubbish - akin to the occult.

But that is not to say that positive thinking is not hugely beneficial.

God guarantees results. 
Positive thinking is like eating right and being fit. It improves your quality of life dramatically.

Commitment

I will really make an effort to think positively about everything - on the basis that what I focus on I will attract. Not for any mystical reason - but because when you feel happier you feel like doing more, you have more imaginative thoughts - which all tend to give far better results. 

When I mediate on god today - and his words - I will take them as REALITY IN my WORLD and not in any way as a tool for positive thinking.

Today

I commit to:

Finishing my tax
Substantially completing my university paper for developments
Exercising for 1hr